To the guy who clearly had garlic for dinner last night,
Although I appreciate the sentiment, dousing yourself in cologne this morning is not to the benefit of any of your fellow travelers olfactory senses.
Musk au garlique NOT the new seasonal sent of choice.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Transportation: The great equalizer
Riding CT Limo feels very similar to what I imagine a prison transport is like. Six passengers sit quietly not looking at one another or speaking, while wondering if they'll make it out alive. The rattle and creak of the old van is accompanied by the sprinkle of duct tape accoutrement on the interior. And it's questionable if you will get shanked by another inmate, errr passenger, or the loose seatbelt before you get to the airport.
Happy Trails.
Happy Trails.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Commuters. Everyone has a story.
Tonight, I am joined on the train by Gyno Legs
and Itchy Ear Hair guy.
Gyno legs is a tiny Asian man sitting across from the guy next to me straddling his legs, as you have to do, but clearly needs such incredible full clearance, as to not touch, so much so that it seems more natural that he should have his legs in stirrups. While Itchy Ear Hair guy ran on the train donned in wool from head to toe, sweating and gasping for air. In addition to my sweaty companions dewy exterior merging with mine there is my ongoing struggle for arm space, which is complimented by his periodic outbursts of singing along with the SMASH soundtrack and quite ferocious ear itching.
Ohhhhhhhh how I love Metro North. :(
And thank you Jesus he is getting off at 125th St!
Gyno legs is a tiny Asian man sitting across from the guy next to me straddling his legs, as you have to do, but clearly needs such incredible full clearance, as to not touch, so much so that it seems more natural that he should have his legs in stirrups. While Itchy Ear Hair guy ran on the train donned in wool from head to toe, sweating and gasping for air. In addition to my sweaty companions dewy exterior merging with mine there is my ongoing struggle for arm space, which is complimented by his periodic outbursts of singing along with the SMASH soundtrack and quite ferocious ear itching.
Ohhhhhhhh how I love Metro North. :(
And thank you Jesus he is getting off at 125th St!
Public Service Announcement
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPP ....
This is a Public Service Announcement
The US Health Dept reported and unusually high distribution of stupid pills in CT and NY today.
They predict the abundance of reports are due to a misinterpretation that over the counter meant mainlining the stupidity into everyone's morning coffee. Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks are currently being questioned, but have "No Comment" at this time.
Tips for those affected:
1. Drivers: If you are afraid to drive on the road, get off the road
2. Texting: If you cannot text and walk without bulldozing into others, throw away your phone and go home immediately
3. General Stupidity: If your heightened stupidity is causing outbreaks of rage by strangers, go home and do not return to public until notified
Thank you for your attention.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPP.
This is a Public Service Announcement
The US Health Dept reported and unusually high distribution of stupid pills in CT and NY today.
They predict the abundance of reports are due to a misinterpretation that over the counter meant mainlining the stupidity into everyone's morning coffee. Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks are currently being questioned, but have "No Comment" at this time.
Tips for those affected:
1. Drivers: If you are afraid to drive on the road, get off the road
2. Texting: If you cannot text and walk without bulldozing into others, throw away your phone and go home immediately
3. General Stupidity: If your heightened stupidity is causing outbreaks of rage by strangers, go home and do not return to public until notified
Thank you for your attention.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPP.
Monday, October 8, 2012
There's no way I'm not being PUNKED
Where's Ashton Kutcher?
As "a single" in a world of pairs, I'm pretty sure I've been on a 21 year long "Punked" episode.
In the dating world, I continue to hear the strangest things from genuine to strange to just plain odd. Some of my faves ...
"My dead parents would really love you."
"You got good teeth. Are you with that guy?"
"You're super high quality."
So... I'm feeling pretty good about myself - kind of like an specialized organic fruit, a cheesy Chinese food advertisement or of course ... a high quality ghost in-law prospect.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
As "a single" in a world of pairs, I'm pretty sure I've been on a 21 year long "Punked" episode.
In the dating world, I continue to hear the strangest things from genuine to strange to just plain odd. Some of my faves ...
"My dead parents would really love you."
"You got good teeth. Are you with that guy?"
"You're super high quality."
So... I'm feeling pretty good about myself - kind of like an specialized organic fruit, a cheesy Chinese food advertisement or of course ... a high quality ghost in-law prospect.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Your Invisibility Shield Is Broken
I can always count on the MNR to deliver a ride in and out of the city with some sort of visual assault from my fellow commuters.
Chick sitting across from me that keeps itching her crotch...
Tip: Go to the clinic
Guy across the car picking his nose...
Tip: Excavation should be left to the archaeologists
Guy who flossed his teeth, put on deodorant and squeezed his blackheads...
Tip: There are places you can do that in private for free, like the YMCA if you're in a pinch
Woman who is filling out some sort of financial form with a solar calculator in a mode of transportation that goes underground...
Tip: Learn how SOLAR items work, or buy something with a battery
I'm not sure if any of these people just lost any concern for public displays of grossness or stupidity, but I feel like they may not realize their invisibility shields aren't working ... surprise ... EVERYONE can see you - and well ... you've certainly made MY day ... all the worse for sharing these little moments with you.
Chick sitting across from me that keeps itching her crotch...
Tip: Go to the clinic
Guy across the car picking his nose...
Tip: Excavation should be left to the archaeologists
Guy who flossed his teeth, put on deodorant and squeezed his blackheads...
Tip: There are places you can do that in private for free, like the YMCA if you're in a pinch
Woman who is filling out some sort of financial form with a solar calculator in a mode of transportation that goes underground...
Tip: Learn how SOLAR items work, or buy something with a battery
I'm not sure if any of these people just lost any concern for public displays of grossness or stupidity, but I feel like they may not realize their invisibility shields aren't working ... surprise ... EVERYONE can see you - and well ... you've certainly made MY day ... all the worse for sharing these little moments with you.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Hotel Star Ratings. Open for Interpretation.
I have no idea who set the standard for hotel ratings by the 5-star system, but its definitely open for interpretation. And from one traveler out there ... here's the real deal.
Based on my most recent hotel experiences its safe to say that under 4-stars you'll need to arm yourself with flip-flops and Febreeze.
One Star: Sleep outside UNDER the starts and snuggle with local vagrants
Two Stars: Roof and a bed with possible roomates (i.e. of the squeeky wisker variety). Possible neighbors: hookers and migrant workers
Time for an upgrade?
Three Starts: Roof and a bed, with clean sheets. But still questionable ... who exactly stays here, that isn't staying over?
Three 1/2 Stars: Roof, bed, clean sheets and bonus of a bacteria infested "whirlpool" just a little PERK for you, and if you're lucky ... a snack for later (a walnut on the floor)
So, all I can say ... is OPT-UP! Dear GOD, opt-up!
For less accurate hotel star-ratings check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hotel_rating
Based on my most recent hotel experiences its safe to say that under 4-stars you'll need to arm yourself with flip-flops and Febreeze.
One Star: Sleep outside UNDER the starts and snuggle with local vagrants
Two Stars: Roof and a bed with possible roomates (i.e. of the squeeky wisker variety). Possible neighbors: hookers and migrant workers
Time for an upgrade?
Three Starts: Roof and a bed, with clean sheets. But still questionable ... who exactly stays here, that isn't staying over?
Three 1/2 Stars: Roof, bed, clean sheets and bonus of a bacteria infested "whirlpool" just a little PERK for you, and if you're lucky ... a snack for later (a walnut on the floor)
So, all I can say ... is OPT-UP! Dear GOD, opt-up!
For less accurate hotel star-ratings check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hotel_rating
Table for One ... DENIED
Recently, I geared up to take a vacation alone. I'm more of a people person than a single-lady traveler but, off I go into the wild blue yonder.
The first few days were a confirmation that traveling solo isn't so bad. You get to do EXACTLY what YOU want to do. No compromises. And its all yours to enjoy as you wish. Now when it came to dining alone, this was the thing I was worried about. BUT ... it was great. No one looked at my like I had antenna, or gave me a sad look and there was always, but ALWAYS room for one. Until ...
My second stop along the travel trail was speckled with sundrops along the ocean water, palm tree lined streets, but NO tables for one.
"One for dinner please ... a table, a spot at the bar, whatever you have", I said with a winning smile.
"No. Nothing for ONE. It'll be about an hour."
OK ... well bad luck but on to the next place.
"No. Nothing for ONE."
Seriously? OK, third time's the charm.
Fourth time?
I pass Taco Bell and the local Liquor Mart ... I think ... heck is that my best option for a Table for One, tonight? It's a Wednesday for goodness sake. And so ... it just goes to show that everywhere is different and for me this is no place for a Table for One.
The first few days were a confirmation that traveling solo isn't so bad. You get to do EXACTLY what YOU want to do. No compromises. And its all yours to enjoy as you wish. Now when it came to dining alone, this was the thing I was worried about. BUT ... it was great. No one looked at my like I had antenna, or gave me a sad look and there was always, but ALWAYS room for one. Until ...
My second stop along the travel trail was speckled with sundrops along the ocean water, palm tree lined streets, but NO tables for one.
"One for dinner please ... a table, a spot at the bar, whatever you have", I said with a winning smile.
"No. Nothing for ONE. It'll be about an hour."
OK ... well bad luck but on to the next place.
"No. Nothing for ONE."
Seriously? OK, third time's the charm.
Fourth time?
I pass Taco Bell and the local Liquor Mart ... I think ... heck is that my best option for a Table for One, tonight? It's a Wednesday for goodness sake. And so ... it just goes to show that everywhere is different and for me this is no place for a Table for One.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Mumbai Mania Begins ...
It all began with a simple trip to India ... but is it ever really so simple? Well, in this case ... uhhhh NO. Let's begin at the beginning of our ten days of torture that includes robbery, fire, armed guards and epic breaking points.
Mumbai ... the Gateway to India and so much more.
Day 1: Entering India from the US we go through security to have cash and two cell phones stolen by AK47 toting security guards. We discover these "losses" shortly after leaving security. I return to confront the guards. Clearly ill advised, but a girl filled with righteous anger isn't concerned with the possibility of automatic weapons and Indian prisons.
Now understand, of course, that women in India going through security get pulled off to the side for a body search behind a curtain, removing your eyes from your belongings and leaving them wide open for pinching hands. Now the security check in and of it self was a comical start as I'm not sure I've had so much detailed interest in my underwire bra before. The metal detector wand goes " whoooooeeeewwwww whoooooeeewwwwp ... whooooeeepp ... whooeeeep" over and over. "Seriously, its a bra ... bra. MOVE ON!"
OK back to the guards ... returning to the security post, I request to know where my phones have gone and that I know they were in my bag when I entered security and now they are not. After quite a bit of indignant conversation I see the phones, and say "There they are! those are mine. Give me my phones."
"Those are you're phones? No they are not, how do you know that?"
"They are mine, I gave you a description, those are them, you removed them from my bag."
"No we didn't."
"Yes, you DID!"
"No we didn't. Why did you leave them here?"
"I DIDN'T leave them here, someone took them from my bag. Those are my phones, give them to me?"
"Can you tell me a description of the phones?"
"The ONES right in front on you on the table ... that's them ... that's the description!"
"Why did you leave them here"
"I DIDN'T!"
"Yes, you did."
"Fine! I left them here, I'm an idiot. Give me my f* phones."
"How do you know they are yours?"
"I'm pretty sure YOU couldn't open them because you don't know the passwords, and I do. So they are now of no use to you, so please give me my phones"
Thus began ... my love affair with India.
Mumbai ... the Gateway to India and so much more.
Day 1: Entering India from the US we go through security to have cash and two cell phones stolen by AK47 toting security guards. We discover these "losses" shortly after leaving security. I return to confront the guards. Clearly ill advised, but a girl filled with righteous anger isn't concerned with the possibility of automatic weapons and Indian prisons.
Now understand, of course, that women in India going through security get pulled off to the side for a body search behind a curtain, removing your eyes from your belongings and leaving them wide open for pinching hands. Now the security check in and of it self was a comical start as I'm not sure I've had so much detailed interest in my underwire bra before. The metal detector wand goes " whoooooeeeewwwww whoooooeeewwwwp ... whooooeeepp ... whooeeeep" over and over. "Seriously, its a bra ... bra. MOVE ON!"
OK back to the guards ... returning to the security post, I request to know where my phones have gone and that I know they were in my bag when I entered security and now they are not. After quite a bit of indignant conversation I see the phones, and say "There they are! those are mine. Give me my phones."
"Those are you're phones? No they are not, how do you know that?"
"They are mine, I gave you a description, those are them, you removed them from my bag."
"No we didn't."
"Yes, you DID!"
"No we didn't. Why did you leave them here?"
"I DIDN'T leave them here, someone took them from my bag. Those are my phones, give them to me?"
"Can you tell me a description of the phones?"
"The ONES right in front on you on the table ... that's them ... that's the description!"
"Why did you leave them here"
"I DIDN'T!"
"Yes, you did."
"Fine! I left them here, I'm an idiot. Give me my f* phones."
"How do you know they are yours?"
"I'm pretty sure YOU couldn't open them because you don't know the passwords, and I do. So they are now of no use to you, so please give me my phones"
Thus began ... my love affair with India.
Life's adventures
Life's adventures and memories are fraught with hilarity, unbelievability and a whole lot of crazy. I thought why keep these all to great stories to myself, so ... here it goes. Hope you enjoy some new stories and some old as we travel through the unbelievably believable chapters of my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)